Compliments & Anxiety

“You have a really cute smile”

“You write so well”

“You’re so talented”

“I didn’t know you could sing so well”

Compliment after compliment, so much love friends and family can shower

Many a time even the strangers, those are the tricky ones

What do I say?

Do I smile, say thank you and hope it’s enough? Do I say something nice about them too?

I really like her dress

She has a really great voice

He has a cute ass

He writes well too

But I’m always so on guard, I don’t want to come off sugar coated

I don’t want to seem fake, I’m so worried

When someone compliments me.

Of course, most times I don’t believe I deserve those compliments

I was never taught or told I was good at anything, that was worth something.

That’s the amazing power anxiety has

It alters your perspective of yourself, self-worth questioned, self-doubt sets in.

When a stranger comes and hugs you because you’re feeling cold at a cafe,

When someone offers you their shawl to make sure you stay warm,

But do I deserve that kindness?

Have I ever done anything to be worth that kind of love present in the world around us?

I’m out with friends, chilling, hanging out

These people don’t compliment, they know me

They diss each other at every opportunity they get

It feels so comfortable, almost like home.

Someone I just met,

Sitting next to me only because hat was the last seat remaining

She looks like cute little kid but when I hear her words

I’m stumped, I want to hug her, I want to tell her how moved I was.

Then I stop myself, I don’t say a word, I let her think I’m a moron

She doesn’t stop opening her heart to me

She takes a video of my performance being that friend who was too busy to accompany me

How do I tell her?

I’m a writer, but words fail me in real time,

I’m that person, who would be great to have after an argument

Because then the words just form themselves in perfect savage statements.

I’m an introvert, I turned into one rather turned back into one

The little chicken that opened up in the real world

Ran back into her cage and locked herself this time

That’s another thing about anxiety,

It always come in a package deal

With doubting everyone else’s intentions.

I don’t trust myself, I don’t trust anyone else

Then how do I survive? Can I have the invisibility cloak every time I step out?

I created this prison for myself, I built the walls

I put the locks, I threw the key away without making spares

Now the pipes are leaking the words that flew as emotions inside

I can’t contain them, I can’t escape either

Unless I start turning them into this rhymeless poetry

I might just manage to keep my head above the water

And survive a little longer.

 

You can watch the video here.

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