Midweek plans? Let’s get drunk. Weekend plans? Let’s get drunk. Successful tournament? Let’s get drunk. New boyfriend? Let’s get drunk. Break up? Let’s get drunk. There was a time when my answer to everything was alcohol. Drunk me laughed, enjoyed life, made stupid mistakes, dealt with hangovers and didn’t think twice about consequences.
I used alcohol as the perfect excuse to meet old and new friends, to forget my stressful life, to relax and sometimes fill a void. I reached a point when drinking became a daily thing for the lamest excuses. I was in a phase of denying depression, ignoring health issues and bottling up feelings. I didn’t want to face reality, and definitely not sober. Emotional drinking is the worst kind because the deeper your issues, the more you have to drink to reach a point of not giving fucks. I let life pass by in a blur to avoid accepting anything that was going wrong. I let myself fade in the haze of impending hangovers.
Before I realized the road I had set myself on, health started going downhill and I didn’t know where I was to go next. While the drinking issues stayed undercover, my psoriasis needed attention. By this point, my entire family was involved in my treatment and constantly concerned about my condition. It was a wake-up call. I had no option but to start cleaning up my act, eat right and quit alcohol. That went well for a few months in terms of restraining. However, I had nowhere to go. I had no plans to make because I wasn’t drinking or eating out. I was also pretty broke, so sitting at home seemed like a good idea. Result? I lost a bunch of weight, health was getting better but my mind was going crazy.
I was struggling with depression and anxiety, I was unable to get out of bed for days. I realized this wasn’t new. I had been in denial for so long, alcohol and partying had kept me going; making me seem like a fun party person. It was easier to hide the tears and pain when alcohol was working its magic of numbing my insides.
Once the doctor gave me a clearance on health, I started drinking again. I limited it to a glass or two of wine, never exceeding. People thought I had great control and willpower. Slowly, over time, two turned to three and then to bottles. I was losing control again. I was slipping and this time the train had no brakes. I was stuffing my emotions with alcohol again. A few new influences around didn’t understand what it did to me and managed to convince an already tipsy person to have just one more drink. To hell with self-control, I thought I was enjoying life again.
Only this time around alcohol was making me restless. It was messing with my mind and peace. It had stopped agreeing with my body. From sleepless nights to chaotic thoughts; with anxiety already making me restless and hyper, alcohol was not a helpful addition. I needed some serious introspection.
So a few weeks ago, I finally decided to quit alcohol, for good. I’m not tempted to drink, I don’t feel like going back to it at all because I’m aware of how it affects me. I know how it impacts my mind, body, mood and life negatively. While I may not do everything that is perfect for my body, alcohol did way more than just getting me drunk. It was time to stop. It is not the answer to any of my problems. Most importantly, I am able to feel good about myself again.